Camoflaged betrayal

what could have been

Let's talk wedding planners.

If you're not Mindy Weiss or Colin Cowie, I'm not sure if you are a wedding planner.  It's kind of like saying you invented Windows and you're not Bill Gates.

I think the more accurate term would be wedding corraler.

what will be

Yes, I feel Lauren has hired someone to organize and expedite and control, but has she hired someone to create and sing karaoke and lead the Bunny Hop?  I don't think so.  Lauren fired her over the weekend.

How I really feel

As you all know, I was unceremoniously removed from my wedding coordinator position this past weekend.

Let me tell you, emotions were running pretty high last night and I had to listen to some Sarah Maclachlan and write a couple of poems to bring me down off the ledge.

the sexiest man alive

I guess my issues are threefold, which I have carefully laid out in bullet points below:

• I never even knew my delicate bride was unhappy with my services.  She would always chat enthusiastically about my ideas, and never once did she shoot down anything.  She claims now it was all about the origami, but when I first mentioned it, she tacitly agreed.
• I suspect she didn't say she was unhappy with my ideas because she secretly likes them and is preparing to steal every one of my suggestions and pass them off as her own, or as her "event planner's" brainchildren.
• She enthusiastically "went live" with her new coordinator on fb and tmz.com, before she told me in her cold, sterile message, that I was, in the words of the immortal, eternally sexy Steff from "Pretty in Pink", "nada."

In the end though, it has all worked out...I was just contacted to plan a wedding in the same county in the same summer as Lauren and Jesse's wedding.  I have already billed it the Royal Wedding of the County of the Century.

My Girls.

Allow me to introduce my three stellar ladies.

First Born

AJF, aka, "avie gravy"

Avery was born in the summer.  She was like the summer also--hot and sweaty.  She came out with a wig on and looked pretty squishy.  I was scared of her and didn't know what to do with her.  Avery inexplicably loves sports and this is what makes me believe she may have been switched at birth with another baby.  Somewhere out there is a girl who loves art, reading, Hello Kitty, and music.  Avery graduated in the Top 50 of her 800+ class, was an Edina scholar, and is currently attending an Ivy League college on the east coast.  To all you doubters who said I couldn't do it--owned.

Second Born

HJF, aka, "naughty sauce"

Hadley is my second child.  I have always said if Hadley had come first, there never would have been an Avery.  First of all, she refused to be born, and then decided to come out face up.  Second of all, she decided to be born jaundiced, and so spent the first week of her life in the NICU.  She has grown to be extremely flexible, (physically), extremely materialistic, and extremely sassy.  But she wants to be a doctor, and so I continue to treat her well with the knowledge that she someday will be paying for my condo in Hawaii.

Third Born

CSF, aka, "Kylee"

I have no idea where this baby came from.  She appeared in my late 30's, and turned me into a bedridden diabetic for nine months.  She continues to confound me by refusing to go to bed before 10, calling me "Caillou" and asking me, "is it good?"  She also may have been switched at birth, as I have never appreciated Legos, swimming, or playing outside.  She also has an affinity for ketchup, something I cannot even smell without heaving.  Did I mention I am homeschooling her?  The general public just isn't ready.

Thumbing her nose at me

I'm a good person.

Believe it or not, in the past I have been known to:

• bake cookies for charity
• move a friend out of a second story apartment, in 90 degree heat, while under the threat of being beat down by the neighbor.  I even went back in to retrieve a framed picture of the Lord's Last Supper
• buy a Happy Meal for a homeless kid
• give the local little person a ride home, even though I was deathly ill, waiting to get my prescription filled, and tired of being called "Faron's wife"
• travel 80 miles at the crack of down to pick up a friend who I had lost the night before, from some scary house near Lyn-Lake (hello, Ani)

So, imagine my shock, when over the holiday weekend, I received this message:

no longer an option

I hate to do this in an email but I feel it's only fair that I inform you that we will no longer be needing your services in helping plan our wedding. It's nothing personal. Well actually it is. So you should probably take it that way. We're just afraid that you'll incorporate a bit too much origami. And that's not really the look we're going for. 

All the best, Lauren

Apparently I have been replaced with some "event coordinator" with credentials detailing her as such.  My quasi-wedding planning just wasn't enough for our bride.

I just want to say that origami is very cutting edge and would have been original and fun.  And if you see a Tom Thumb mini donut wagon at the reception, Lauren's new event guru stole the idea from me.

I have an engagement on Friday

Lauren and Jesse are having their inaugural engagement party, next Friday.

When Lauren first told me, I thought it was on Black Friday.  I told her I thought it was ill advised to have a party on that day, as everyone would be at Best Buy picking up their free Avatar key chain with Samsung flatscreen purchase.  She claims she never said it was that Friday, but I know what I read.

I have yet to RSVP to the party.  Because the following things are on my mind.

It has a theme.  It's an "Ugly Christmas Sweater" party.  I have never been to one of those, but I've seen pictures.  To be frank, they frighten me.  I always assume I will inadvertently be seen somewhere in the sweater, and it will not be taken tongue in cheek, but rather, seriously, as I am getting older and let's be honest, some of my contemporaries now wear Christmas sweaters for real.  So, unless I get to my grandma's house or Fairview Nursing Home's Lost and Found box in the next week, I will have nothing to wear.

It will feature a taco bar.  I have never been to a party with a taco bar.  It sounds good, in theory.  I have always been kind of against communal food, such as potlucks, buffets, and now, bars.  I mean, who hasn't had to turn down the Beef Stroganoff brought to the work potluck by the girl who cleans the wax out of her ears with her fingers, or has a free-roaming gerbil in her home?  But I am trying to kick my food phobias, so as long as people aren't double-dipping their tortilla chips and I witness no finger-licking, I'm tentatively in.

It is located in a county that I do not live in.  I am very suburban.  Just going to Uptown for dinner on a Friday night is a big deal, and takes months of physical and mental preparation for me.  I am at the age that leaving the comfort of my home in the winter is a gamble.  I could easily fall and break my hip, or hit a deer.

It is at a strange house, which may contain a strange dog or cat.  I am always the one the dog will sniff.  Or incessantly bark at.  Like it "senses" there is a problem with me.  And I am always the one the cat stealthily follows, and then jumps on her head.

There will be a contest to see who knows the most about Lauren and Jesse and their courtship.  I feel like I am at a HUGE disadvantage because the party is being hosted by Lauren's aunt and cousin, and will be attended by close friends and relatives.  I'm just an on-line friend who has never even met Lauren in person.  I should be spotted like 50 points from the start.

The Airing of Grievances

My bride is MIA and I haven't seen her on-line in days, so I'll just assume she left town for the holiday and either she didn't tell me, (yes, I am that important), or more likely, she told me and I forgot.

So, in the spirit of the season, and since I have no new bridal news to impart, I have decided to take this moment to discuss all I find wrong during this time of year.

1.  Black Friday.  Who invented Black Friday?  Seriously.  I have no recollection of it growing up.  My family always went shopping the day after Thanksgiving, but it wasn't called Black Friday and I don't remember people waiting in lines at 3 am for small appliances from Walmart and stuff.

2.  people who wait, way too close, for my parking spot.  Sure, I still have two kids to corral and a cart to unload, and I can't find my car keys, but wait for me anyway.  And then make sure you are close enough that no one else would dare think the spot is up for grabs, and I can't back out without checking my rear view mirror twelve times and doing some weird 40 point turn.  Better yet, stalk me while I walk to my car.  You know who you are...slowly creeping behind me, refusing to pass me.  Almost like a strange parking angel, guiding me to safety, but with ulterior motives.

3.  "stocking stuffer" end caps at various stores.  Tell me one person who wants a manicure set, an itty bitty flashlight, or a tire gauge.  Tell me.

4.  check writers.  Maybe as you dig for your AARP card, you could also start filling that check in...and why do you write so slow?  Are you block printing?  Wait...are you balancing your ledger right here, at the register?  You don't even have carbon copy checks?

Joyeux Noel!

Goodwill Hunting

I have been invited to go "goodwillin'" with our bride, and then take the spoils of the day and redecorate decorate Lauren and Jesse's apartment.

I'm actually pretty good at decorating.  I have a critical eye, and I don't like clutter, tchotchkes, or, as with my taste in jewelry, hearts, crosses, or birds.  So, you know, goodbye Pheasants Forever limited edition prints.

I also work at a store that provides me with a significant discount and so I not only see a lot of stylish and modern things, but I also buy them.

If this works out, Lauren will be posting before and after photos, along with my handy tips, on Phat Farm.

Suspend this thought

Wow.  So weird.  Lauren tried to link this blog to her own in her most recent post, and yet when you click on my name, it sends you to some christian site.  There is a big scary thing about "what lies ahead" and your soul and eternity.  I believe in God and so I'm not worried, but still.

Our bride would really like Jesse to pick his groomsmen.  Apparently he is sidestepping the issue because he has way too many friends and not enough groomsmen positions.  Well, my advice is, just don't choose.  Have them all in your wedding.  There is nothing written anywhere that says your bridal party has to be "balanced."  My sister had five bridesmaids and her groom had just a best man.  I had one bridesmaid and my husband had no best man.  Besides, after a certain number--let's say, seven--no one will notice how many groomsmen there are anyway.

Lauren also addressed the attire for the groom and his gang.  She posted pictures of guys in suspenders.  She said she liked loved the look.  She was feeling it.

no

Hmmm.

When I think of suspenders of think of Boyz II Men.  Early 90's rappers.  Mork from Ork.  Old timey train conductors.  Larry King.

yes

How about flat front khaki dress pants, with white linen shirts?  So jcrew!  And with a nice brown leather flip flop.  It will be August, after all!

Your eyes do not deceive you

Let's revisit the wedding cake, shall we?  Since my bride and groom aren't feeding me the constant stream of material I envisioned I would have to pull from when I started this blog, we will have to do some reruns every now and then.

One of my favorite sites to laugh at, and allow me to feel better about myself, (along with peopleofwalmart.com and awkwardfamilyphotos.com) is cakewrecks.com  I swear, you can't make this stuff up.

Anyway, I peruse the site about once a week, looking for ideas for Lauren and Jesse's cake.

I feel it should be representative of them, and yet be tied in with the location, much like a Hawaiian wedding might feature a hibiscus flower, or a mountain wedding might feature, I don't know, an elk.

Well, I found it.  And it's spectacular.

only Icehouse beer would have made this better

As if the beer cans weren't enough, nothing says "welcome" and "we love and honor everyone" like the confederate flag.

Always a bridesmatron

So, my baby has mastered the word, "Mama".  She says it constantly.  Except when I go to work.  Then she says, "bye Caillou."

I chatted it up with Lauren last night.  Us gals just have so much to say to eachother.  Although, interestingly enough, we never say it in person.

I have a story about Lauren.

We have known eachother peripherally for years.  I have seen her around the old 'hood and with friends of mine.  I have seen her at a family event or two.  The last family event I saw her at was my best friend's wedding.

not the wedding I am referring to, but, OMG, right?

I was in the wedding and had been standing around for hours, eating half the cheese and meat platter and posing awkwardly for pictures.  My feet were killing me.  I had been up since 5:00 am decorating the reception hall.  I was concentrating on not getting my dress wrinkled.  I was making small talk with several bridesmaids I didn't really know, but who knew eachother, so I was insanely out of the loop.  Did I mention I was the only bridesmatron?  Clearly a decade older than the bridesmaids?

Immediately after the wedding, there was some "stand around" time before we left for the reception.  This was the time the bride and groom accepted congratulations and gathered their things up to throw in the limo.  I was lurking casually, trying to blend in with the crowd.  I glanced across the room, and I spotted...Lauren!

I rushed to her side, eager to chat and kill time and appear that I had a friend.  Lauren gave me a terse hi, and turned away from me!  I felt bad.  I had seen her at a previous Cooper wedding reception and felt like we had become really close.

Mochi v. Fat Linda

Jesse blogged.  About his weekend without Lauren.  BFD.

Am I bitter that he creates a post every sixth Monday but still manages to have a baker's dozen of followers and somehow also gleaned TWO comments from his post?  Probably.

I digress...

mochi ice cream or fat Linda's bars--you decide

Jesse sounded pretty forlorn without Lauren.  He said, in not so many words, that he missed her.  That he was a bit jealous that she was having fun without him.  He seemed to find things to occupy his time, like visiting his parents' new jeep and keeping the dogs from eating day-old dead rabbit.  (Which, by the way, makes this Asian happy, as every Asian worth their sriracha knows that rabbits live on the moon and make mochi, and therefore are super cool.)  He ended by saying that everything was back to normal in Minnetonka, since Lauren didn't re-enact a scene from this, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Runaway_Bride_%281999_film%29, and instead actually returned home.

Ahhh, love!

Spice (American) Girls

Lauren went to Chi-town for the weekend.  She left Jesse alone.  I think I saw him running up and down Highway 100, arms flailing, praising the Gods.  I'm not sure what she was doing there, but she discovered a little condiment called Tabasco sauce that I am now obligated to integrate into the wedding buffet.  What ever happened to Jordan almonds?

creepy people carrying creepy dolls; may or may not be me in the middle

I've been to Chicago too.  We went there solely to visit American Girl Place.  It was so weird.  All around, little girls carrying creepy doppelgangers of themselves or dolls "from the past."  We also signed up for "dinner with the dolls" which entailed paying $25 a plate to eat cafeteria chicken.  And imbibing in all you can drink pink lemonade.  I zoned out when Scot told the waitress to "just leave the pitcher."  The dolls had their own highchairs, and everyone got free scrunchies for their dolls' hair, and their own.  Scot really gets a lot of use out of his.

It's all clear to us now

l-r, best friend's daughter, best friend, our bride

I found this on my best friend's facebook page the other day, and even though it's blurry, it's our bride acting like it's 1977 at Studio 54.  I know for a fact this was snapped at a wedding, and so, as a preview of what is to come, look and be entertained.  She's dancing solo, but don't tell her.

I think Lauren may be attempting a move called the sprinkler.  http://www.hollywire.com/best-of-the-best/the-top-10-old-school-dance-you-shouldnt-still-be-doing

See # 3

Second Coming

Today, this beloved and beleaguered blog picked up its second follower.

I know, right?

JP Baros.  Just the name imparts mystery and sophistication.  I love the vagueness of the "JP" and how it really leaves us wondering.  Male?  Female?  Who knows.  This blog reaches out to everyone though, and we embrace the ambiguity.

Bride of Jesse

So, this morning I awoke to a chat I missed last night, as I went to bed early.  It was our bride, basically having a chat with herself, since I wasn't even around.  She ended it by asking, "are you pooping?"

Anyway, she told me some secrets.  Although in my defense of spilling them, they aren't really secrets if she tells them to me, and she knows it.

I take you, Jesse

Secret #1--She watches Jesse when he sleeps.

Hmmm.  This is usually reserved for, A) newborn babies, as their parents are basking in his or her beauty, B) dying people, to see if they are still breathing, C) creepers

Where does our bride fall?  Discuss.

Secret #2--If she dies before Jesse, she intends to haunt all his future girlfriends.

This is weird on many different levels.  A) does Lauren really want to be in some spiritual limbo just so she can be a ghost and haunt someone? B) would Jesse really ever have anyone after Lauren?  I would think he would curl up in the gutter and spend his life mumbling her name instead of dating around, and finally, C) Lauren actually said this out loud in the presence of someone other than Jesse.

Discuss.

The politics of weddings

the trinity of minnesota politics, l-r, dept store heir, whats-his-face, detox habitue

First off, let me give a shout out to my bride, who posted this blog on her facebook page, encouraging others to read it.  I'm still hanging at just one follower; I don't know, maybe my readership has plateaued.  It almost feels covert now.  Kind of black market.  Maybe only the cool kids will get it.

So, let's talk election.  As I type, Minnesota has no governor and the GOP guy just went on a rant about how poorly Minnesotans run elections, and how this re-count business has got to stop.  Ballots are being misread and boxes stuffed!  Suspicious occurrences in Hennepin county.  Has the election been stolen?  This ain't Prairie Home Companion, yo.

I think I might live near an Emmer relative.  My daughter goes to school with an Emmer.  I know people who have gotten DWI's, like Tom.  I have been known to shop at Macy's, formerly Marshall Field's, formerly Dayton's.  I think when I am old and need prescription meds, I would want Mark to bus me to Canada and get 'em on the sly.  The other Tom appears to have a lot of supporters in my neighborhood, but my neighborhood seems to cater to the misbegotten and misunderstood.  And besides, he's in third place, aka, the first loser.

On with the wedding!

Empire State of Mind

Our bride has said yes to the dress!

I got the word and the picture yesterday, and even though I am not sworn to secrecy, I cannot divulge any details to any of you.  Not one of you.  No one.  The followers of this blog?  Nope.  Can't tell you anything.

Lauren did say it was the first one she tried on.  I told her that was common.

Although I chose about the fourth one, I think.  When I look back at my time in the bridal salon, with my fair consultant, who kept calling me Beth, I just remember feeling like she was being stingy with me.  Like she wasn't bringing out all the gowns.  Almost as if she had edited my choices for me.  Maybe she looked at my broad shoulders and thick waist, and made her own mental notes..."yeah, definitely not a fitted dress...,"  "maybe an empire style...," "yes, we need something roomy..."

clearly not me

I would also add that the whole bridal magazine calendar thing is off, also.  I really loved a gown I saw in a magazine.  Andie MacDowell (from St. Elmo's Fire), the 6 foot leggy amazon that she is, was modeling it, dark curly hair flowing in the wind.  I think she was even riding a horse in it in one picture.  I asked my consultant if they had it to try on.  She said she didn't.  This was in February, and I was getting married in June.  It was clearly a summer dress.  She said they wouldn't be receiving it until May.  A wedding gown typically takes three months to receive.  If it arrived in May, no one could really get it in time for a summer wedding, unless they were willing to purchase it without trying it on.  (Come on.  Get real.)  And then like I said, it wasn't really suitable for a winter wedding, and by the next summer, it would be "last season's."  Explain that!