M-I-L

pretty accurate depiction, down to the stylish wind jacket

I survived Christmas.  It sucked.  And it sucks having to tell everyone who asks, "how was your Christmas?" that it sucked.  Not gonna lie.  Bah humbug.

Why did my holiday suck?  Well...Christmas really highlights an aspect of marriage not many eager brides consider.  This wild card is called the mother-in-law.  Let me tell you, dear Lauren, she can make or break you.

You will see your mother-in-law all the time, have to spend holidays with her and share really important moments in your life with her.  Even if she's not that nice and you really don't care to have her around.  It's all built into that little package called marriage.  And if you marry a mama's boy, good luck with that.
 
You can't ever really get rid or her or her opinions.  Her thoughts and ideas will get back to you, even if they aren't said directly to you.  Her whole way of life will make its way into your life--in the form of how you do laundry, how you cook potatoes, when Christmas presents should be placed under a tree.  Forget about making your own traditions!  It's over!

But I digress...maybe you will be one of the lucky few who get a dream mother-in-law who only supports you and what you do and is evolved enough to let you have your own life with her son.

So, in review, I think a huge part of getting married, dear bride, is knowing not only who you are marrying, but also what kind of family you are marrying into.  Because, for better or worse, you are marrying them also.

'tis the season

I will be so glad when the holiday season is over.  Retail has a way of ruining Christmas for me, although I love seeing all the decorations and toys.  But seriously, people aren't really very fun, there is no charming hustle and bustle, and there is definitely no Christmas cheer or goodwill.  And if I have to hear that Charlie Brown song that plays continuously on the store's music loop one more time, I will go smother myself in a snow bank.

Anyway, Happy Holidays Lauren and Jesse! This will be your last Christmas as singletons!  In the meantime, I will try to black out the following festive people I encountered tonight:

• the woman who purchased a crib mattress, and then showed up at the dock to pick it up while I was busy with another delivery.  She called the store and said she "was in a big hurry."  When they told her she was next in line, she became very irate and said I was having trouble fitting the first customer's boxes in his car and she didn't want to wait for me to figure it all out.  For the record, I wasn't even helping the customer organize the boxes.  I was just standing there, offering my sage advice on how things might fit.  It was like Tetris, really.  And I hate that the bitchy lady was acting like lines aren't meant for her.

• the woman who demanded to know if a mattress was included in the doll cradle.  I told her no.  She said there was a mattress in the cradle on display in front so I obviously didn't know what I was talking about; did I want to see?  I said I didn't need to see it, and hey, we are a toy store and maybe in some feeble attempt at playing, a kid might have moved things around, and that all the doll beds came with mattresses, but not the cradle. 

• the woman who returned two shelves to the dock and then said, "so I have to come into the store then...?"  I said, "well, yes, I don't have any way to do a return for you here."  I do not carry a point-of-sale system in my back pocket.  She said, "well, I don't know the protocol...so how will I know that you have these shelves, do you give me something?"  I was like, "how will you know that I have these shelves?  You just gave them to me, remember?...I guess you will have to trust that I am going to carry them into the store for you and not run away with them."

Your man

I'm not a huge women's libber and I don't get offended when a man opens a door for me.  I am married and appreciate the tradition of being a "Mrs." although only the sixteen year old sales associates at Abercrombie and Fitch use that title with me.  I think it will beyond hilarious to call Lauren "Mrs. Jerle."

I worked on Saturday.  I was asked to come in early.  It wasn't a big deal.  But we were super busy.

As soon as I got there, the phone started ringing.  I answered it, and the lady told me she would be picking up a crib and changing table.  She then said, "well, my daughter and I will need help loading it all, as we are without our men today."

WTF?  Where were their men?  Were they out hunting and gathering?  Or just hanging out back at the cave?

total babe or missing link

When they arrived to pick up their stuff, my co-worker and I went to do the delivery.  We managed it just fine, thank you very much.  But then the mother said, "wow, where are all the big, burly men?"  I shot her a perplexed look, and said, "what do you mean?  We just loaded all of that without a problem."

Seriously, I have been seven months pregnant and visibly showing and had a man lean against the stairwell, ordering chinese food on his cell phone, while a female co-worker and I loaded a shelving unit into his truck.  I have also carried a 5x8 rug to a car while a 6'2" man has walked along side of me, humming to himself and snapping his fingers.

Still, Lauren, I hope you are never without your man.

Gift cards, please

Lauren and Jesse have registered for their wedding at Target and a few other places.  I have to say it's a wise move.  Trust me, it is better just to tell Aunt Helen what you want than to deal with crap, or the return counter lady when you have to exhange the crap.

In that spirit, as Christmas approaches, I know I won't get anything I want.  I never do.  Not as a child, and certainly not as an adult.

One year I bought Scot a Playstation, a Rush DVD, tons of socks, and a Star Wars pop-up book.  He got me nothing.  I guess I should be grateful though, as I could have been gifted with any of the following:

• Seriously.  Okay, I don't smoke, but I have an idea.  Gloves. 

• Carries up to seven pounds?  To put this in perspective, my children's birth weights were, respectively, six pounds, thirteen ounces, seven pounds, three ounces, and seven pounds, five ounces.  Maybe this is the new Baby Bjorn.

• Just one more chorus of "Don't Stop Believin'" and I'll be through...

• This makes me want to puke, and I love Robert Pattinson.  Are all the recipes blood based?  Just askin' 

 

• Better than Scot.  Just kidding.  I don't really know what to say here.

Lauren and Jesse begin the menu selection process!

Gross

According to a recent blog, Lauren and Jesse love pizza rolls.

They split a forty piece bag in a sitting.  For dinner, I guess.

They have heated debates on how to bake them.  (Get it?  Heated?)  I have to say, I'm with Lauren on this one.  My girls used to eat them like crazy, and I too would watch them like a hawk to ensure that the insides didn't bubble out and leave me with a hollow shell of crust.

What they didn't address though, is the cooking method of microwaving them.  It's an acceptable method; it's actually printed on the bag.  I know this because my middle daughter used to do it when she had pizza rolls for an after-school snack, and my oldest daughter used to complain and call her lazy.

Anyway, Lauren and Jesse should consult with their caterer and serve these little wonders up for an appetizer at the wedding.  Can't we all picture Keith manning the toaster oven, yelling out, "Pizza rolls!  Come and get 'em while they're hot!"?

Also, there seems to be a whole cottage industry devoted to pizza roll recipes.  I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "wtf, no way," but it's true.  Google it.

FYI--never buy the Target/Archer Farms pizza rolls.  They are actually not good and no one will eat them.

Billy Joel's infamous potato hotdish

So, Lauren posted a recipe for her cheesy potato casserole yesterday.

Apparently she and Jesse got into some major nesting, as they were snowed in--kinda--and decided to bake, cook, and who knows what else.

Anyway, the casserole Lauren describes is a popular concoction here in the midwest.  In fact, Byerly's makes it all the time and sells it in their deli under the name company potatoes.  I asked the woman there once why it was called that and she said it's because it's a popular dish to take to a company potluck.  This, and only this, is why I am completely endorsing Lauren's Billy Joel's Cheesy Potato Casserole name.

Helpful hint:  Lauren describes Jesse painstakingly peeling and shredding potatoes for this dish.  Another option would be hashbrowns.  Just sayin'.

White Wedding and White Snow

Snow.  That's what everyone is talking about.  Maybe it's because we live in Minnesota and are having a blizzard, or maybe it's because almost everyone I converse with is over fifty.

I had to work today, and guess what, I showed up.  I'm that responsible.  I don't know, I have a really strong sense of obligation, and I like to be dependable.  The three of us non-managers who opted to fulfill our duties are all Edina citizens and therefore, close to the store.  But come on, my sixty-seven year old co-worker showed up.  That's why some people are lame.  They would rather put the onus on a senior citizen than plow their driveway.

Anyway, our bride and groom decided to register at Target today.  Which is either super smart:

• it's a good way to kill time during a blizzard
• the store was probably empty, leaving them free to roam and explore without interruption

Or extremely dumb:

• it was probably dangerous getting there
• I'm sure there were not enough Target associates around to help them, as most of them utilize the bus system to get to work, and the bus systems were down, and let's be honest, we know Lauren needed help with that scan gun
• Lauren wore a Pabst Blue Ribbon sweatshirt

After their time there, Lauren decided to cook.  Which I think is great.  I am not a cook myself, but I wish I was.  I will say it is never too late and just in the past year, I have gotten better at it with the help of friends and their great recipes.  I  now make the best minestrone soup in the whole entire universe.

Jaime's Best Minestrone Soup in the Whole Universe

half an onion, chopped

clove or two of garlic, minced

1/2 tube Jimmy Dean sausage

half of cup carrots, chopped

one zucchini, chopped

half a head of cabbage, chopped

box of beef broth

one can diced tomatoes

one can Northern white beans

basil to taste

salt to taste

pepper to taste

saute onion and garlic in olive oil, add sausage and brown

add carrots, zucchini, cabbage, broth and tomatoes

season to taste

simmer for half hour

add beans

simmer another half over

Serve this and someone will marry you!

The Name Game

Depicted image is actual ink print taken from photo of Lauren

One thing that Lauren and I have not discussed regarding her impending nuptials is what her new name will be.  She doesn't strike me as a traditionalist, and yet I somehow believe she will end up being Lauren Jerle.  I don't even think she will be known as Lauren Cooper Jerle.

It's a super personal choice, and I really have no opinion on it other than what I did.  Some people find two last names pretentious.  Some people assume if you keep your maiden name you're a huge feminist or uber educated.

I kept my maiden name, and that's what I go by.  Although with the proliferation of facebook users, many women appear to be using two last names, even though it is more so old friends can find them.  Sometimes I throw in my husband's name at the end if it seems like it will help the situation, or I just use my husband's last name when it comes to things with the kids.  It's just easier because many people cannot wrap their heads around more than one name.

The interesting thing here is, I didn't keep my maiden name on purpose.  I was married on a small island, and the wedding license was much cheaper if we purchased it in Boston.  It took a series of steps that involved filling out reams of paperwork, walking two blocks, waiting in line, appearing before a judge, and signing more paperwork.  When we were filling out some random form,  it asked my name and I put my maiden name down.  It didn't even occur to me that it was asking me the name I was going to go by once married.

The bigger issue I have here is with people who cannot spell my first name.  Good friends mess it up, as do relatives who should know better.  Teachers never got it right in school, but that was so commonplace, I stopped correcting them.  At least when I get my mail, I know what is legitimate and what is crap.  If my name is spelled right, I'll look at it.

AND, my name is spelled like the french phrase for "I love you"  J'aime.  It's not the Spanish pronunciation of a man's name, Hy-may.  Thank you very much.

PS--Check.

Dear Manny, #L-655301, Stillwater State Prison, Pod 7

According to Lauren's recent blog entry, she is determined to bring mail back.  Much like Justin Timberlake brought sexy back.

She and I chatted for some time last night, via fb chat, and let me tell you, the irony was not lost on me.

She went on and on about letters she used to write and the various pens and stationery she used.  She wrote fan letters and letters to boyfriends from camp.  She wrote to the neighbor across the street.  She composed eloquent letters to Time magazine about the state of the ozone layer and was pen pals with a former President's daughter.  She wrote on scraps and attached them to balloons she got after eating dinner with her parents at Applebees.  She threw messages in a bottle into the Zumbro River.  She corresponded with some petty thieves in lock-up.

This was all discussed because Lauren wants mail.  She loves mail.  So, going forward, I am signing her up for everything which promises contact by mail.  That new basement remodel?  Check.  Those college painters?  Check.  Bathroom refinishers?  Check.  Charity pick-ups?  Check.  And she will even get a free plastic bag to put her donations in.  Policeman's Association for Safety and Bike Locks? Check.

"silhouettes as one"

Holy crap.

If you mosey on over to Phat Farm Wedding, there is a big ol' retro print by Ansel Adams posted on there.  I think it's the new page design.

As you all know, Ansel Adams is a famous photographer, known for his black and white images of nature.  I had no idea Lauren and Jesse were such fans.

I can dream about you

When I got married, I envisioned wonderful gifts for every holiday, thoughtfully purchased by my husband.  I envisioned an anniversary dinner at the restaurant where he proposed, maybe a nice ring upgrade, other miscellany jewelry, bouquets of orchids, Christmas vacations, etc.

So get ready Lauren, because none of this happens.

• The place where my husband proposed closed two summers ago due to the lame economy.

• My wedding rings need to be re-sized because I have gained so much weight.

• I asked for a Heather Moore necklace with the girls' names on it--still waiting.

• I think I got some flowers from the BP station once.  No wait, they were left over from some event at my husband's office.

Other things my husband can not bother to get me.  Because I have standards in life.

•  Star Wars DVD collection.  We all know he wants it, not me.

• a bike.  I will never bike with him.  Ever.  Because I would have to wear a helmet, and when I was growing up, you didn't have to wear a helmet.  You just had to know the hand signals.

• a fajita maker.  My best friend's husband got her one of these.  She says it works.  But since I already have an omelet maker and bacon baker from him, I think I'll pass.

• a watch.  He gave me a watch when we were dating, and I don't know where it is.

• a pool pass or membership to Lifetime Fitness.  Oh, hold on a second.  He already got me that membership and pool pass.  Thanks.

• a harmonica, a clock that tells me the time in every time zone, or a hand warmer

• slippers

• any bulb that needs planting, or comes planted, but I have to water it and "tend" to it

On with the wedding!

...and buffets and potlucks...

It's another early morning on the crazy train, and since I really hate Caillou, I thought I would share some other things I hate.  And no, this isn't a sly reference to Lauren and Jesse's event coordinator.

• late people  This is because I am always on time.  I start to sweat when I think of people waiting for me.  I even get tense when someone is waiting for me to wrap a gift at work.  And that's saying something because a) it's complimentary and b) I am a fabulous wrapper, so any waiting would definitely be worth it.

• ketchup, mayonnaise, and other condiments  I really am grossed out by ketchup.  I hate the smell and I hate how it looks.  Same with mayonnaise.  I even threaten waitresses to not put ketchup on my plate in a little cup or bring a bottle to the table.  I prefer sriracha.  I'm Asian.

• people in the right lane, who aren't turning right  We live in Minnesota.  Right turns on red are legal.  If you plan on going straight, get in the correct lane so right moving traffic can continue uninterrupted.  Duh.

• Uggs  I know, I know, they're comfortable and warm.  And we live in a cold climate half the year.  But seriously, they are ugly and smelly.  And ridiculously outdated. 

• self-checkout lanes  I can handle these, and would fully support them if they required a permit to use.  Instead, they cause me frustration because the person in front of me can't scan, can't bag, can't swipe a credit card, or has coupons and wants to write a check.  Ultimately,  the support person who stands around with a set of keys, lording over her check-out lanes, is called in to "troubleshoot."  So much for saving time.

•  people who use the word, "supper"  It's dinner.  Straight up.

• mistaking your for you're  One is a contraction for "you are".  The other isn't.

• stolen internet connections  They often fail to provide consistent service because they're stolen, and you can't call for tech help when they don't work.

Say cheese

Psssst...yeah you, over here!

Well, well, well.  I came up with another fantastic idea for Lauren and Jesse's wedding, and I magnanimously offered it up to Lauren, despite the fact I am no longer her wedding planner.

oh, the places you'll go!

I told her she should have a cheese bar.  All different kinds of cheese, sliced and cubed, from different nations and regions of nations...with some hard salamis and a big ol' barrel of french bread at the end of the table.

I assured her I could be her cheesemonger and she enthusiastically agreed--but first she would have to run it by her "event coordinator."

Bish, please.

Merry Christmas from the Frenches

Sigh.

We received our first Christmas card over the weekend.

I have been in the process of ordering mine for the past two weeks.  I go directly to tinyprints.com, scour the photos of the girls from the past year, select a couple, and then upload them.  Then I select a template, play around with the coloring and size, and try to make something nice.  They arrive, I don't even sign them, and I mail them.  I have used tinyprints.com for the past five years, and I also used them for Cambrie's birth announcement and Avery's graduation.

Truthfully, I'd rather not sent out Christmas cards.  Anyone I would send them to, I generally see all the time anyway.  Plus, there are these people:

the novelist:  She ain't writing a Christmas letter, she's writing a tome.  She's going to tell you about everything, from her emergency appendectomy to her neighbor's new car purchase.  She will tell you about the hot cop who pulled her over for speeding, her failed Thanksgiving pie, that her aunt Susie now has rickets.  She writes to write.

the braggard:  "we are all so lucky Mary is now in college abroad, studying to be a cheese monger in the hills of Italy.  Some day she will be helping you select your reggiano at the counter of Byerly's!  Also, Bob's new penile enhancement company is almost ready to go public, but first will be featured at 2 am on QVC!"

the christian:  "in these post 9-11 days, as the end times draw near, I thank goodness for Sarah Palin, the season, the Bush family, Ted Nugent, and Christ my savior"

Missed engagement!

Lauren was sick for her own engagement party!  Jesse stayed home and held her hair while she threw up.  I guess the festivities went on, even though there was a blizzard outside and no guests of honor.  I heard Fat Linda bars were on the scene; I should have driven there just for those.

I have been sick before and it is no fun.  Especially when there is puking involved.  Did I ever mention I puked for nine months straight?  Pretty much from the time of conception to the day of birth, I threw up.  I threw up in the morning and the afternoon and night.  I threw up before eating, during eating, and after eating.  I threw up in the shower, because for some reason the water made me gag.

...and then the puking stopped

I remember telling my obstetrician, who soon became my ex-obstetrician, that I needed time off from work because I couldn't stop throwing up.  She said that I would have to cope and that she even had a patient who was a hairdresser, and she rolled a fluid dispensing IV cart around the salon with her, as she washed and cut hair.  Seriously, wtf.  If my hairdresser came up to me being trailed by an IV, I would be very uncomfortable and not really want her to cut my hair.

Mr. and Mr. and Mrs.

always a winner

I really hope Lauren and Jesse's wedding planner can get her hands on some of these.  It would be so cool if she could get enough to give out as party favors.

I know I could have.  Just sayin'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYEXBTlWf_4

Sign here

Lately, Lauren has been bothering me to go out with her.  Or to come over to her house.  Or to chat online.  Or just drop Kylee somewhere and run over to Panera and have a pumpkin muffie with her.

Everyone who knows me knows I am fairly anti-social.  I just don't like people in general.  I am impatient, opinionated and stuck in my ways.  I like things done a certain way.  I do not suffer fools.

So, in that spirit, I have created a "Lauren and Jaime get-together" contract.

This is an agreement between me, (high-strung, "older" stay-at-home-mom) and you, (free-wheelin' single gal with tons of disposable income) regarding a social event.

Day and time:  it can't happen on a Saturday morning or anytime between 1 and 4 during the week.  Kylee naps.  And so do I.  It also can only last a maximum of 4 hours due to the fact that a) I get carsick, b) I get worn out, and c) whomever Kylee is with is about to lose it and choke Kylee, and I want Kylee to live

Dining options:  if our interlude includes a meal, none of the following restaurants are acceptable: any dive with red and white stripes on the table, any fast food place, any eatery with the word "Factory" in it

Conversation topics: shall be limited to the weather.  Touchy subjects: God, vaccinations, legacy acceptance rates at Ivy League colleges, moms who blog about mom things, the wedding, as my position was terminated last weekend by you

flagship store, obviously

Goodwill and ARC hunting:  whoever sees if first, gets it.  No running into store while I lock the car doors.  No price tag switching.  No lying so you can have it instead.  No saying, "oh, it's just a chip, we can glue it" or "no one has that, I have never seen that--ever!" because I know you're just lying

Electronic interactions:  no texting, no phone calls, no word processing, no beepers, no ipods, no walkie-talkies, no karaoke machines, no faxing.  And please, don't play SCVNGR and log into every place we stop so you can earn points

Repeat meetings:  If all goes well, we can meet again

Signed, ME______________YOU______________

Camoflaged betrayal

what could have been

Let's talk wedding planners.

If you're not Mindy Weiss or Colin Cowie, I'm not sure if you are a wedding planner.  It's kind of like saying you invented Windows and you're not Bill Gates.

I think the more accurate term would be wedding corraler.

what will be

Yes, I feel Lauren has hired someone to organize and expedite and control, but has she hired someone to create and sing karaoke and lead the Bunny Hop?  I don't think so.  Lauren fired her over the weekend.

How I really feel

As you all know, I was unceremoniously removed from my wedding coordinator position this past weekend.

Let me tell you, emotions were running pretty high last night and I had to listen to some Sarah Maclachlan and write a couple of poems to bring me down off the ledge.

the sexiest man alive

I guess my issues are threefold, which I have carefully laid out in bullet points below:

• I never even knew my delicate bride was unhappy with my services.  She would always chat enthusiastically about my ideas, and never once did she shoot down anything.  She claims now it was all about the origami, but when I first mentioned it, she tacitly agreed.
• I suspect she didn't say she was unhappy with my ideas because she secretly likes them and is preparing to steal every one of my suggestions and pass them off as her own, or as her "event planner's" brainchildren.
• She enthusiastically "went live" with her new coordinator on fb and tmz.com, before she told me in her cold, sterile message, that I was, in the words of the immortal, eternally sexy Steff from "Pretty in Pink", "nada."

In the end though, it has all worked out...I was just contacted to plan a wedding in the same county in the same summer as Lauren and Jesse's wedding.  I have already billed it the Royal Wedding of the County of the Century.

My Girls.

Allow me to introduce my three stellar ladies.

First Born

AJF, aka, "avie gravy"

Avery was born in the summer.  She was like the summer also--hot and sweaty.  She came out with a wig on and looked pretty squishy.  I was scared of her and didn't know what to do with her.  Avery inexplicably loves sports and this is what makes me believe she may have been switched at birth with another baby.  Somewhere out there is a girl who loves art, reading, Hello Kitty, and music.  Avery graduated in the Top 50 of her 800+ class, was an Edina scholar, and is currently attending an Ivy League college on the east coast.  To all you doubters who said I couldn't do it--owned.

Second Born

HJF, aka, "naughty sauce"

Hadley is my second child.  I have always said if Hadley had come first, there never would have been an Avery.  First of all, she refused to be born, and then decided to come out face up.  Second of all, she decided to be born jaundiced, and so spent the first week of her life in the NICU.  She has grown to be extremely flexible, (physically), extremely materialistic, and extremely sassy.  But she wants to be a doctor, and so I continue to treat her well with the knowledge that she someday will be paying for my condo in Hawaii.

Third Born

CSF, aka, "Kylee"

I have no idea where this baby came from.  She appeared in my late 30's, and turned me into a bedridden diabetic for nine months.  She continues to confound me by refusing to go to bed before 10, calling me "Caillou" and asking me, "is it good?"  She also may have been switched at birth, as I have never appreciated Legos, swimming, or playing outside.  She also has an affinity for ketchup, something I cannot even smell without heaving.  Did I mention I am homeschooling her?  The general public just isn't ready.

Thumbing her nose at me

I'm a good person.

Believe it or not, in the past I have been known to:

• bake cookies for charity
• move a friend out of a second story apartment, in 90 degree heat, while under the threat of being beat down by the neighbor.  I even went back in to retrieve a framed picture of the Lord's Last Supper
• buy a Happy Meal for a homeless kid
• give the local little person a ride home, even though I was deathly ill, waiting to get my prescription filled, and tired of being called "Faron's wife"
• travel 80 miles at the crack of down to pick up a friend who I had lost the night before, from some scary house near Lyn-Lake (hello, Ani)

So, imagine my shock, when over the holiday weekend, I received this message:

no longer an option

I hate to do this in an email but I feel it's only fair that I inform you that we will no longer be needing your services in helping plan our wedding. It's nothing personal. Well actually it is. So you should probably take it that way. We're just afraid that you'll incorporate a bit too much origami. And that's not really the look we're going for. 

All the best, Lauren

Apparently I have been replaced with some "event coordinator" with credentials detailing her as such.  My quasi-wedding planning just wasn't enough for our bride.

I just want to say that origami is very cutting edge and would have been original and fun.  And if you see a Tom Thumb mini donut wagon at the reception, Lauren's new event guru stole the idea from me.

I have an engagement on Friday

Lauren and Jesse are having their inaugural engagement party, next Friday.

When Lauren first told me, I thought it was on Black Friday.  I told her I thought it was ill advised to have a party on that day, as everyone would be at Best Buy picking up their free Avatar key chain with Samsung flatscreen purchase.  She claims she never said it was that Friday, but I know what I read.

I have yet to RSVP to the party.  Because the following things are on my mind.

It has a theme.  It's an "Ugly Christmas Sweater" party.  I have never been to one of those, but I've seen pictures.  To be frank, they frighten me.  I always assume I will inadvertently be seen somewhere in the sweater, and it will not be taken tongue in cheek, but rather, seriously, as I am getting older and let's be honest, some of my contemporaries now wear Christmas sweaters for real.  So, unless I get to my grandma's house or Fairview Nursing Home's Lost and Found box in the next week, I will have nothing to wear.

It will feature a taco bar.  I have never been to a party with a taco bar.  It sounds good, in theory.  I have always been kind of against communal food, such as potlucks, buffets, and now, bars.  I mean, who hasn't had to turn down the Beef Stroganoff brought to the work potluck by the girl who cleans the wax out of her ears with her fingers, or has a free-roaming gerbil in her home?  But I am trying to kick my food phobias, so as long as people aren't double-dipping their tortilla chips and I witness no finger-licking, I'm tentatively in.

It is located in a county that I do not live in.  I am very suburban.  Just going to Uptown for dinner on a Friday night is a big deal, and takes months of physical and mental preparation for me.  I am at the age that leaving the comfort of my home in the winter is a gamble.  I could easily fall and break my hip, or hit a deer.

It is at a strange house, which may contain a strange dog or cat.  I am always the one the dog will sniff.  Or incessantly bark at.  Like it "senses" there is a problem with me.  And I am always the one the cat stealthily follows, and then jumps on her head.

There will be a contest to see who knows the most about Lauren and Jesse and their courtship.  I feel like I am at a HUGE disadvantage because the party is being hosted by Lauren's aunt and cousin, and will be attended by close friends and relatives.  I'm just an on-line friend who has never even met Lauren in person.  I should be spotted like 50 points from the start.

The Airing of Grievances

My bride is MIA and I haven't seen her on-line in days, so I'll just assume she left town for the holiday and either she didn't tell me, (yes, I am that important), or more likely, she told me and I forgot.

So, in the spirit of the season, and since I have no new bridal news to impart, I have decided to take this moment to discuss all I find wrong during this time of year.

1.  Black Friday.  Who invented Black Friday?  Seriously.  I have no recollection of it growing up.  My family always went shopping the day after Thanksgiving, but it wasn't called Black Friday and I don't remember people waiting in lines at 3 am for small appliances from Walmart and stuff.

2.  people who wait, way too close, for my parking spot.  Sure, I still have two kids to corral and a cart to unload, and I can't find my car keys, but wait for me anyway.  And then make sure you are close enough that no one else would dare think the spot is up for grabs, and I can't back out without checking my rear view mirror twelve times and doing some weird 40 point turn.  Better yet, stalk me while I walk to my car.  You know who you are...slowly creeping behind me, refusing to pass me.  Almost like a strange parking angel, guiding me to safety, but with ulterior motives.

3.  "stocking stuffer" end caps at various stores.  Tell me one person who wants a manicure set, an itty bitty flashlight, or a tire gauge.  Tell me.

4.  check writers.  Maybe as you dig for your AARP card, you could also start filling that check in...and why do you write so slow?  Are you block printing?  Wait...are you balancing your ledger right here, at the register?  You don't even have carbon copy checks?

Joyeux Noel!

Goodwill Hunting

I have been invited to go "goodwillin'" with our bride, and then take the spoils of the day and redecorate decorate Lauren and Jesse's apartment.

I'm actually pretty good at decorating.  I have a critical eye, and I don't like clutter, tchotchkes, or, as with my taste in jewelry, hearts, crosses, or birds.  So, you know, goodbye Pheasants Forever limited edition prints.

I also work at a store that provides me with a significant discount and so I not only see a lot of stylish and modern things, but I also buy them.

If this works out, Lauren will be posting before and after photos, along with my handy tips, on Phat Farm.

Suspend this thought

Wow.  So weird.  Lauren tried to link this blog to her own in her most recent post, and yet when you click on my name, it sends you to some christian site.  There is a big scary thing about "what lies ahead" and your soul and eternity.  I believe in God and so I'm not worried, but still.

Our bride would really like Jesse to pick his groomsmen.  Apparently he is sidestepping the issue because he has way too many friends and not enough groomsmen positions.  Well, my advice is, just don't choose.  Have them all in your wedding.  There is nothing written anywhere that says your bridal party has to be "balanced."  My sister had five bridesmaids and her groom had just a best man.  I had one bridesmaid and my husband had no best man.  Besides, after a certain number--let's say, seven--no one will notice how many groomsmen there are anyway.

Lauren also addressed the attire for the groom and his gang.  She posted pictures of guys in suspenders.  She said she liked loved the look.  She was feeling it.

no

Hmmm.

When I think of suspenders of think of Boyz II Men.  Early 90's rappers.  Mork from Ork.  Old timey train conductors.  Larry King.

yes

How about flat front khaki dress pants, with white linen shirts?  So jcrew!  And with a nice brown leather flip flop.  It will be August, after all!

Your eyes do not deceive you

Let's revisit the wedding cake, shall we?  Since my bride and groom aren't feeding me the constant stream of material I envisioned I would have to pull from when I started this blog, we will have to do some reruns every now and then.

One of my favorite sites to laugh at, and allow me to feel better about myself, (along with peopleofwalmart.com and awkwardfamilyphotos.com) is cakewrecks.com  I swear, you can't make this stuff up.

Anyway, I peruse the site about once a week, looking for ideas for Lauren and Jesse's cake.

I feel it should be representative of them, and yet be tied in with the location, much like a Hawaiian wedding might feature a hibiscus flower, or a mountain wedding might feature, I don't know, an elk.

Well, I found it.  And it's spectacular.

only Icehouse beer would have made this better

As if the beer cans weren't enough, nothing says "welcome" and "we love and honor everyone" like the confederate flag.

Always a bridesmatron

So, my baby has mastered the word, "Mama".  She says it constantly.  Except when I go to work.  Then she says, "bye Caillou."

I chatted it up with Lauren last night.  Us gals just have so much to say to eachother.  Although, interestingly enough, we never say it in person.

I have a story about Lauren.

We have known eachother peripherally for years.  I have seen her around the old 'hood and with friends of mine.  I have seen her at a family event or two.  The last family event I saw her at was my best friend's wedding.

not the wedding I am referring to, but, OMG, right?

I was in the wedding and had been standing around for hours, eating half the cheese and meat platter and posing awkwardly for pictures.  My feet were killing me.  I had been up since 5:00 am decorating the reception hall.  I was concentrating on not getting my dress wrinkled.  I was making small talk with several bridesmaids I didn't really know, but who knew eachother, so I was insanely out of the loop.  Did I mention I was the only bridesmatron?  Clearly a decade older than the bridesmaids?

Immediately after the wedding, there was some "stand around" time before we left for the reception.  This was the time the bride and groom accepted congratulations and gathered their things up to throw in the limo.  I was lurking casually, trying to blend in with the crowd.  I glanced across the room, and I spotted...Lauren!

I rushed to her side, eager to chat and kill time and appear that I had a friend.  Lauren gave me a terse hi, and turned away from me!  I felt bad.  I had seen her at a previous Cooper wedding reception and felt like we had become really close.

Mochi v. Fat Linda

Jesse blogged.  About his weekend without Lauren.  BFD.

Am I bitter that he creates a post every sixth Monday but still manages to have a baker's dozen of followers and somehow also gleaned TWO comments from his post?  Probably.

I digress...

mochi ice cream or fat Linda's bars--you decide

Jesse sounded pretty forlorn without Lauren.  He said, in not so many words, that he missed her.  That he was a bit jealous that she was having fun without him.  He seemed to find things to occupy his time, like visiting his parents' new jeep and keeping the dogs from eating day-old dead rabbit.  (Which, by the way, makes this Asian happy, as every Asian worth their sriracha knows that rabbits live on the moon and make mochi, and therefore are super cool.)  He ended by saying that everything was back to normal in Minnetonka, since Lauren didn't re-enact a scene from this, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Runaway_Bride_%281999_film%29, and instead actually returned home.

Ahhh, love!

Spice (American) Girls

Lauren went to Chi-town for the weekend.  She left Jesse alone.  I think I saw him running up and down Highway 100, arms flailing, praising the Gods.  I'm not sure what she was doing there, but she discovered a little condiment called Tabasco sauce that I am now obligated to integrate into the wedding buffet.  What ever happened to Jordan almonds?

creepy people carrying creepy dolls; may or may not be me in the middle

I've been to Chicago too.  We went there solely to visit American Girl Place.  It was so weird.  All around, little girls carrying creepy doppelgangers of themselves or dolls "from the past."  We also signed up for "dinner with the dolls" which entailed paying $25 a plate to eat cafeteria chicken.  And imbibing in all you can drink pink lemonade.  I zoned out when Scot told the waitress to "just leave the pitcher."  The dolls had their own highchairs, and everyone got free scrunchies for their dolls' hair, and their own.  Scot really gets a lot of use out of his.

It's all clear to us now

l-r, best friend's daughter, best friend, our bride

I found this on my best friend's facebook page the other day, and even though it's blurry, it's our bride acting like it's 1977 at Studio 54.  I know for a fact this was snapped at a wedding, and so, as a preview of what is to come, look and be entertained.  She's dancing solo, but don't tell her.

I think Lauren may be attempting a move called the sprinkler.  http://www.hollywire.com/best-of-the-best/the-top-10-old-school-dance-you-shouldnt-still-be-doing

See # 3

Second Coming

Today, this beloved and beleaguered blog picked up its second follower.

I know, right?

JP Baros.  Just the name imparts mystery and sophistication.  I love the vagueness of the "JP" and how it really leaves us wondering.  Male?  Female?  Who knows.  This blog reaches out to everyone though, and we embrace the ambiguity.

Bride of Jesse

So, this morning I awoke to a chat I missed last night, as I went to bed early.  It was our bride, basically having a chat with herself, since I wasn't even around.  She ended it by asking, "are you pooping?"

Anyway, she told me some secrets.  Although in my defense of spilling them, they aren't really secrets if she tells them to me, and she knows it.

I take you, Jesse

Secret #1--She watches Jesse when he sleeps.

Hmmm.  This is usually reserved for, A) newborn babies, as their parents are basking in his or her beauty, B) dying people, to see if they are still breathing, C) creepers

Where does our bride fall?  Discuss.

Secret #2--If she dies before Jesse, she intends to haunt all his future girlfriends.

This is weird on many different levels.  A) does Lauren really want to be in some spiritual limbo just so she can be a ghost and haunt someone? B) would Jesse really ever have anyone after Lauren?  I would think he would curl up in the gutter and spend his life mumbling her name instead of dating around, and finally, C) Lauren actually said this out loud in the presence of someone other than Jesse.

Discuss.

The politics of weddings

the trinity of minnesota politics, l-r, dept store heir, whats-his-face, detox habitue

First off, let me give a shout out to my bride, who posted this blog on her facebook page, encouraging others to read it.  I'm still hanging at just one follower; I don't know, maybe my readership has plateaued.  It almost feels covert now.  Kind of black market.  Maybe only the cool kids will get it.

So, let's talk election.  As I type, Minnesota has no governor and the GOP guy just went on a rant about how poorly Minnesotans run elections, and how this re-count business has got to stop.  Ballots are being misread and boxes stuffed!  Suspicious occurrences in Hennepin county.  Has the election been stolen?  This ain't Prairie Home Companion, yo.

I think I might live near an Emmer relative.  My daughter goes to school with an Emmer.  I know people who have gotten DWI's, like Tom.  I have been known to shop at Macy's, formerly Marshall Field's, formerly Dayton's.  I think when I am old and need prescription meds, I would want Mark to bus me to Canada and get 'em on the sly.  The other Tom appears to have a lot of supporters in my neighborhood, but my neighborhood seems to cater to the misbegotten and misunderstood.  And besides, he's in third place, aka, the first loser.

On with the wedding!

Empire State of Mind

Our bride has said yes to the dress!

I got the word and the picture yesterday, and even though I am not sworn to secrecy, I cannot divulge any details to any of you.  Not one of you.  No one.  The followers of this blog?  Nope.  Can't tell you anything.

Lauren did say it was the first one she tried on.  I told her that was common.

Although I chose about the fourth one, I think.  When I look back at my time in the bridal salon, with my fair consultant, who kept calling me Beth, I just remember feeling like she was being stingy with me.  Like she wasn't bringing out all the gowns.  Almost as if she had edited my choices for me.  Maybe she looked at my broad shoulders and thick waist, and made her own mental notes..."yeah, definitely not a fitted dress...,"  "maybe an empire style...," "yes, we need something roomy..."

clearly not me

I would also add that the whole bridal magazine calendar thing is off, also.  I really loved a gown I saw in a magazine.  Andie MacDowell (from St. Elmo's Fire), the 6 foot leggy amazon that she is, was modeling it, dark curly hair flowing in the wind.  I think she was even riding a horse in it in one picture.  I asked my consultant if they had it to try on.  She said she didn't.  This was in February, and I was getting married in June.  It was clearly a summer dress.  She said they wouldn't be receiving it until May.  A wedding gown typically takes three months to receive.  If it arrived in May, no one could really get it in time for a summer wedding, unless they were willing to purchase it without trying it on.  (Come on.  Get real.)  And then like I said, it wasn't really suitable for a winter wedding, and by the next summer, it would be "last season's."  Explain that!

(Moment of Repose)

Jesse and Lauren, if they were Russian mice

As that little mouse in  An American Tail whispers, "desperate times call for desperate measures..."

Well, I am obviously desperate for inspiration, as this post is about Lauren casually mentioning to me that she is "feeling like bloggin'" and she "feels something brewin'"

See, the engaged couple gives me such little material to work with.  They have a blog, but they don't really blog.  So my blog, which is a response to their blog, has become stagnant, and now I am resorting to writing about a potential blog entry.

Actually, I think that mouse says, "we need to create a diversion" or something like that.  I don't know where that "desperate times calls for desperate measures" line comes from, or why I thought of An American Tail.

aka, dot-dot-dot

The groom has spoken!

Jesse recently blogged on Phat Farm Wedding!  It was interesting, as it was about his kickball team.  But he somehow wove it all into the wedding by sharing with us that said kickball team would be at the nuptials in August.

l-r, Santiago, Lauren, Jesse, Sven, Roshumba

The kickball team Jesse and Lauren have been playing on is named We Got the Runs.  It's some menagerie of foreigners and nannies that frankly sounds more like a United Color of Benetton ad than a competitive group of athletes.

But I respect Jesse's use of ellipses...always leave 'em wanting more...right?

Disclaimer:  This is a joke.  I am in no way racist, nor do I stereotype people.  Unless you are Asian.  Then I know you do math and drive a tricked out Acura.  With a spoiler on the back.  You probably take a lot of pictures and dress horribly, also.

Once Upon a Bridesmaid

Let me just preface this post with I have been sick for the past week and am still quite congested.  I am on some serious meds and so I can't be held completely responsible for my ramblings writings.

(Dramatic Pause)

Our bride has chosen her bridesmaid dresses!

This happened so quickly.  It was like she threw together her posse and stormed a bridal salon, and boom, there you go.  I kind of appreciate her decisiveness, even though, as her wedding planner, it would have been nice to have been invited.  She choose a simple little party dress with side pockets, and according to Phat Farm Wedding, there was a debate on whether her chosen circle of gal pals will be able to wear it again.

So, let's clarify: NO

A bridesmaid dress is a bridesmaid dress.  It's typically shiny and a bit puffy, and no matter how simplistic or casual you try to go, it is what it is.  I mean, even if my past bridesmaid dresses were acceptable attire for another event, that other event would never present itself.  I have never been invited to a cocktail party, the Kentucky Derby, or a Real Housewives function.

Also, if I agree to be in your wedding, it means I love you enough to spend the money on the dress without anticipation of wearing it again, and it means I will be in the photographs around your house for the rest of your life.

not my sister, but her groom inexplicably wore a top hat also, complete with cane

I have been in a total of three weddings.  My oldest sister was married in 1991 and so the dress was red and big-shouldered--straight out of Dynasty.  My other sister had a formal wedding at a historic estate in the Berkshires; the dress she chose was a slate blue two-piece.  Might I add that I looked stunningly "healthy" next to my size 2 daughter, who wore the same dress.  Lauren's cousin did a kind of assembly line approach; she gave me a swatch of the color, (latte), and then a book with styles of dresses I could choose from.  It fit me like a tent perfectly and had tea stains all over it before the ceremony even began.  (Thanks, Lauren's other cousin.)

I told my own bridesmaid to choose whatever she wanted, as long as it was pale green.  She chose Vera Wang, and it was more beautiful than my dress.  It had this kicky little panel in the back; almost like a huge pleat...I loved it.`

WTF?

Apparently, Lauren has become a huge professional sports fan because of her beloved's adoration of the Twins and the Vikings.  I'm not one to judge, but WTF?

I hate sports.  Especially professional ones.  I went to a Twins game, once, to see the new stadium everyone was waxing poetic about, and...it rained.  Not a downpour, yet not a drizzle.  It rained just hard enough for it to be annoying, and force me to stand under a heat lamp, with some strange short man trying to "share" the same space with me.

Policing the weather...and you

I've never been to a Vikings game or a Timberwolves game.  My husband thinks I would like a Timberwolves game, because there are "lights and dancers and music."

I went to an Edina football game a couple of years ago.  We had to sit on the opposing team's side, as there was no room on the Edina side.  Jonathan Yuhas, the weather man from KARE 11, was moonlighting as a security guard.  WTF?

Dollars for Dogs

Jumpin' Jehoshaphats!  Our fair bride wrote on her wedding blog!

I don't know, it was something about a dollar dance, and the history of them and stuff.  I think it's all about being able to spend some one-on-one time with the bride or groom, as typically they are busy the night of the wedding and so in order to talk to them, you have to pay them.

I didn't have a dollar dance because I didn't have a dance.  I think I paid my cousin Kim a dollar to dance with her at her wedding.

Guster French

Anyway, Lauren and Jesse are going to do a dollar dance and then donate the money to an animal shelter.  I would keep the money for myself, but I'm not them, and so I think it's a grand idea.  We "saved" our dog, Gus.  Sometimes I regret it.  Like when he bites all of my friends, gets banned from a national chain of pet supply stores, or humps my husband's leg.  I think he throws up more than an average dog also.  I am sitting here trying to think of what I get from him.  Still thinking...

P.S.  (added later)  Today Gus ate an entire peanut butter and jelly sandwich, for no apparent reason.  Who knew he even liked PB&J?  He stole it off the nightstand.  My husband was mad and kicked him out of the room.

...and other mysteries of the universe

who wouldn't want to be his girl?

I was just wondering some things:

Will Lauren or Jesse ever blog again on My Big Phat Farm Wedding?

Will Jesse's Girl by Rick Springfield be played at some time?

Will Uncle Rocky be there?  I hope so.  It means, that despite the presence of a bride in a white dress, I will still be the best lookin' lady in Dodge County.  (And a big wink to you too, Rocky!)

Will Aunt Kelly, (on the Fate side), be there?  Probably not, as she's really not a relative, but I like her.

If it rains, will everyone get wet and muddy, and then decide to slide down the ditches and hills at the farm?

Will there be a big white tent?  Nothing says circus like a big white tent.

Or, you could do this

"please come to our farm wedding in august"

I am sure my father-in-law, Captain French, would be happy to pilot his plane for you!

Ralph Nader, Al Gore, Jane Goodall, Lauren Cooper?

love 'em, wanna marry 'em

I believe in Save the Date cards.  I like them.  I especially like when they are made into little magnets that you can hang on your fridge.

Our bride has solicited opinions on her facebook account and most of the responses have been that she doesn't need to send Save the Date cards out.  Then she threw in the whole environment-save-a-tree thing and people really got crazy.

First, Save the Date cards are nice.  They are considerate.  They let people know what's going on.  They add a bit of sophistication.

Second, they aren't that expensive to make.  It's just another little thing a bride can do to enjoy her journey to the altar.  As I have said before, I like fancy paper and I like pretty things.  Save the Date cards would have been just another crafty project for me to do, had I done them.

And last, it won't save that many trees.  We aren't short on trees anyway.  That is a myth.

Honesty is such a lonely word...oops wrong song

Despite my fabulous choices for her, Lauren has decided to go with "I Love You Just the Way You Are" by Billy Joel for her and Jesse's first dance.  Big surprise.

(I'm sorry, but wasn't Billy Joel married to Christie Brinkley and then Katie Lee Someone who hosted one season of "Top Chef" and was there another woman in-between?  This is not your role model, my little grasshopper bride.)

And anyway, if you were going to go all retro, couldn't you have chosen this song?

Scraps in Time, Winds of Change, Scraps in Winds, Winds of Scraps, Winds in Scrappy Times

When my best friend was looking at wedding invitations, I showed her one that I had recently received in the mail.  Cost wasn't a huge issue, but for some reason we looked at each other and decided to make her invitations.

She called me one day and asked me to go shopping.  I said yes and we headed to the city.  I was perplexed when she pulled into a strip mall and announced we were going into a store called Scraps in Time.  (The title of this post refers to all the names we eventually called the store each time we made a trip there to pick up more supplies.)

Wow, it was weird in there.  Now, I LOVE paper.  Always have.  I am obsessed with cool prints and designs, I love different textures and colors, finding Christmas paper is always fun for me.  I even have a favorite paper store, Paper Source (http://www.paper-source.com/cgi-bin/paper/locations/mn_minneapolis.html).  And I can wrap and fold.  I can wrap and fold like no other.

potential wedding attire for Jesse and Lauren

We were greeted by a woman wearing jeans and a denim shirt (aka, denim on denim).  My best friend told her what we were doing and what we needed.  I KNEW what we needed.  The denim lady knew even more of what we needed.  She really took control of the situation.

Over the next week,  my husband made a template and then my husband, my best friend, my best friend's fiance and I all got together one night and did a lot of printing and cutting.  Then my best friend had a shower and everyone there assembled the invitations.  This is where I don't claim ownership to the project anymore.  I had no quality control and I think things might have gotten sloppy here and there.

I have volunteered to assist Lauren with her invitations.  Some interloper (http://www.facebook.com/#!/Yomommasofat?ref=ts) has butted in and offered his services as well.  We'll see who she chooses.